President Barack Obama and the Democrat-controlled Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.
The “AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT” is being hailed as a major achievement goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambitions.
"Roughly 50% of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow people of inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons with No Abilities.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Abilities (63%).
Under the Americans with No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any experience that relates to this job?”
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Democrat Senator Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
Thanks to my cousin - a Milwaukee Policeman who wishes to remain anonymous - for providing this hilarious spoof...although given what is going on in Washington D.C. these days with the little man-child still in charge, legislation such as this may not be a farfetched as it first appears. After all, Americans are repeatedly being told we need to "level the playing field" (aka: tax, tax, tax) and "spread the wealth" (aka: tax, tax, tax)... This legislation, as silly as it is, could be something that Obama and the Dems might consider! Stranger things have been known to happen...