Review: Dwayne Johnson's bland 'Baywatch' can't commit to the absurd
The big-screen version of Baywatch peaks early with its silliness right in the opening credits: A stern-looking Dwayne Johnson saves someone while dolphins high five each other with flippers and a title treatment hovers heroically in Godzilla-sized type.
Unfortunately, nothing after that is as lovably ridiculous in this new paean to the 1990s Z-grade TV hit with David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. This Baywatch (** out of four; rated R; in theaters nationwide Thursday night) has its share of hilarious moments but never fully commits to the absurd, and even the cleverest jokes get so many callbacks, they’re beating a dead seahorse.
The comedy directed by Seth Gordon (Horrible Bosses) rests on the boulder shoulders of The Rock, who plays the old Hoff role of Baywatch honcho Mitch Buchannon. Instead of just giving out random suntan-lotion rubdowns and helping the occasional victim of a bad wave, these lifeguards are part-time superheroes who take on fiery boat accidents, jewelry-stealing grifters and rampant drug dealing along their beloved Emerald Bay. When a passerby asks Mitch if he’s Batman, our hero responds, “Sure, pal. Just bigger. And browner.”
Zac Efron talks 'Baywatch' wipe-out: 'I just totally tripped'
How did David Hasselhoff get his 'Baywatch' body? Workouts with The Rock.
The archetypal Baywatch crew — including second-in-command Stephanie (Ilfenesh Hadera), athletic Summer (Alexandra Daddario), good-hearted CJ (Kelly Rohrbach) and nerdy Ronnie (Jon Bass) — have a difficult time getting on the same page with the addition of new recruit Matt Brody (Zac Efron), a disgraced Olympic swimming champion hired to the team as a PR stunt. Mitch and Brody clash often, trash-talking each other endlessly and engaging in physical competitions (like hauling fridges), but have to put their macho egos in check to stop local businesswoman Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra) and the femme fatale’s nefarious plans to take over the bay.
Brandishing bods that’ll make you question your own fitness decisions, Johnson and Efron are at least fun to watch — Mitch reads as a little too serious, though Brody makes up for it as an overly self-confident goof who spends much of the movie wondering why they just don’t call the cops. Daddario adds a surprising deft comedic touch as well: A scene where Mitch, Brody and Summer investigate the morgue Scooby-Doo style is one of the few times when Baywatch really shines.
Everything one would expect in a Baywatch movie — cleavage, bouncing body parts, constant flexing and the excessive use of slo-mo — is present. (Plus, a couple of the old TV cast members show up for cameos.) Yet the remake yearns to be both sendup farce and straight action film, tripping along the way and failing to grasp either. When the plastic aquarium version of the usually ultra-charismatic Johnson gets more laughs than the real deal, there’s something seriously wrong.
The Rock meets 1-year-old 'heart warrior' while shooting 'Baywatch'
Bryan Cranston cried over his 'Baywatch' cameo at the SAG Awards
A lot of the humor just doesn’t connect and tries way too hard, from one dude getting his junk stuck in a beach chair to a running gag involving salad. Chopra, whose villainess seems bored by the whole situation, would rather be eviling it up in a James Bond movie, and the fireworks-laden climax is full of punch but leans predictable and lacks excitement.
This flick might be bigger than the original Baywatch — from the production budget to its stars' muscles — but lacks the cheesy fun.
