Trump or Hillary? Is this presidential election costing you friends?

An acquaintance — a retired African-American executive who lives in the suburbs — is telling me about some of his white friends and how he's no longer speaking to them because they are supporting Donald Trump for president and he is not.

"It seems fairly obvious to me that (Trump) has a real problem with racism,'' my acquaintance says. "And as a black person, that's a primary concern to me in terms of social justice. How can (they) not understand just how important race issues ... might be to me.

"My stomach is in knots about the whole thing. ... I'm extremely sad."

I'm sad, too.

I'm sad because other people have shared similar stories with me about friendships ended because of this year's election. And I'm sad because I can't figure out why, this year, more than ever, it seems so many of us are unable to separate the politics from the personal.

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Animosity — and fear 

Elections aren't all rainbows and roses, I get that.

But the anger and acrimony associated with this year's presidential contest between Trump (whom many believe to be a racist, misogynistic liar) and former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (whom many believe to be an unscrupulous, untrustworthy, unlikable liar) is different. It's harsher. It's meaner. It's unyielding.

"When you have, for example, a candidate and here, I’m thinking about this candidate, Trump, Donald Trump ... calling people liars, calling people crooks, name calling, refusing to listen, that's not the stuff of friendship,'' said William Rawlins, a communication studies professor at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio, who specializes in interpersonal relationships. "I think a very hostile, polarized self righteous context has been set."

In fact, right now we're so polarized that for the first time since 1992 — when the Pew Research Center began tracking these numbers — majorities in both political parties view the opposing party "very unfavorably."

According to the Pew survey released in June, 55% of Democrats say the Republican Party makes them "afraid," while 49% of Republicans say the same about the Democratic Party. Among those who say they vote regularly and either volunteer or donate to campaigns,  the fear is more intense: 70% of Democrats and 62% of Republicans say they are afraid of the other party.

So we lash out;  fear makes people do that. Some Trump supporters say that Clinton supporters are dishonest, unlikable people. Some Clinton supporters say Trump supporters are dumb bigots who hate women.

Social media —  including Facebook, where usership is an at all-time high and where so many of us are prone to reveal things about ourselves we might not ordinarily advertise —  is our venue for much of this vitriol.

“In the past, we didn’t know how our friends or family members may think or vote. We put up a sign on our lawn or we put on a bumper sticker,'' says Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University in Rochester and relationship expert. "But now, given Facebook ... we’re much more likely to say how we think, we're also much more likely to blast comments."

Which leads to arguments and unfriending.

While there are no numbers available that indicate how many Facebook friendships have failed due to this election, a new survey reveals people are more than twice as likely to be politically harassed online than they were two years ago. According to a survey by Rad Campaign, Craigconnects and Lincoln Park Strategies, 30% of online users  experienced political harassment this year, compared with 16% in 2014.

"I posted a question on Facebook,'' says a Royal Oak woman who asked not to be named. She wanted to know why Clinton was allowed to ride on Air Force One to campaign with President Barack Obama. She got her answer, she also got a scathing message from a friend who said "he was unfriending me because I do not like Hillary. He couldn't understand why a woman and a mother would vote for Trump."

She added: "To lose someone over political affiliation is silly."

Except the more I think about these arguments between friends, the more I think about these broken relationships, the more I realize what's happening has very little to do with politics at all.

It's way, way deeper than that.

An attack on  identity

This election, I've decided, is all about issues tied to our basic identities -- issues about gender, race, ethnicity, origin, issues that get to the very core of who we are. "Race and gender are at the top of how we would see ourselves, how we would describe ourselves to others," says Orbuch.

An attack on those identities is an attack on our very existence, the very things that make us who we are.

We like to think our friends have our backs, that they will defend us, that they have our best personal interests at heart. And, adds Orbuch, "I think we assume that we have friends who won't vote for someone who attacks our core identities."

Or as my acquaintance says: "You thought you had a bond with people. You thought you looked at the world the same way. You thought you were looking for the same kind of society."

“I’m very genuinely hurting, but I’m not asking for sympathy," he says. "This is just life and you find out things about people and you move on. ...

“I blocked somebody on Facebook just last night."

Contact Georgea Kovanis: gkovanis@freepress.com or 313-222-6842.