Traveler's Aide: Rude flight attendant makes bad situation worse

Question: I flew with Southwest in October. During a short stop in Denver, I needed to use the restroom, but passengers were not permitted to exit the aircraft.

While I was in the restroom I could hear two male flight attendants making rude comments about me and laughing. They were spraying something that appeared to be air freshener or sanitizer while making nasty remarks about me. I had an upset stomach, and although I would have preferred to exit the plane to find more comfortable accommodations, there was nothing I could do about the situation.

Extremely humiliated, I walked out of the lavatory and got a nasty look from one flight attendant. Mortified by his blatantly rude reaction, I quietly explained to him that he should be careful of what he says about people in the restroom, as I could hear every word the two said about me. I told him that I intended to notify management and that I was very offended by their childish behavior.

As I walked away from the initial confrontation, the flight attendant asked me to return to discuss the situation. I returned to the rear of the plane, expecting an apology. He proceeded to tell me defiantly that because I was in his area of the plane he is allowed to say or do whatever he wants. He continued his rant while spraying his bottle inside the bathroom and twice directly at me in an aggressive manner. I tried to explain that I suffer from allergy-induced asthma and the chemical he sprayed at me could be harmful, but was rebuffed by his rudeness.

Traumatized, I returned to my seat. A female flight attendant who was not directly involved noticed my disturbed reaction and asked me what was wrong. When I explained, she was noticeably shocked and immediately sympathetic. Notably, she was the only one who apologized for their behavior. There are nine other passengers who overheard the entire situation.

I wrote a complaint letter to Southwest and a representative called me, but she told me the airline can't compensate me for rudeness. Can you help me get an appropriate response?

— Megan S., Arizona

Answer: Flying has become an unpleasant, high-pressure experience. Flight attendants are overworked and underpaid while passengers are ticked off at being nickled-and-dimed at every turn, and everyone is on edge over security. Everyone, it seems, is fed up. Respect and simple civility are in short supply.

"People on airplanes tend to be at their worst, mentally and physically," says Peggy Post, author of dozens of etiquette books and a director of the Emily Post Institute. Post also knows all about in-flight tumult, being a former Pan Am flight attendant. "Anyone can have a bad day and just snap."

Dueling statistics—and headlines—show abundant bad behavior on both sides. The U.S. Department of Transportation logged 345 complaints about flight attendants from consumers in 2011, and that number jumped to 533 complaints in 2012. A Federal Aviation Administration's (FAA) database on unruly passengers shows there were 140 reported incidents in 2011 and 101 in 2012. The FAA database only contains incidents voluntarily reported by crew members. The Department of Justice has its own database which mostly deals with more serious cases of assault, and the Transportation Security Administration has yet another database on security incidents.

Contrary to what that spray-yielding Southwest flight attendant said, however, flight attendants are not allowed to do and say whatever they want—at least, not without consequences.

"The situation has been shared with the employee's leaders," says Southwest representative Michelle Agnew.

Tangling with a flight attendant can be risky business, however. A flight attendant's primary job is to ensure passenger safety, and federal regulations state that passengers may not "assault, threaten, intimidate, or interfere with a crewmember in the performance of the crewmember's duties aboard an aircraft being operated." Violations can result in fines up to $25,000 (and one incident can result in multiple violations), plus passengers can be prosecuted on criminal charges. Minor conflicts can quickly spiral out of control.

But not every conflict turns into a federal case. Megan S. urgently had to use the lavatory. That's hardly an unprecedented situation. The flight attendants should have handled that without the foul tirade. (Tip: If you encounter a smelly lav, ask the flight attendants for a bag of coffee grounds to absorb the odor.) The flier was shaken by her in-flight showdown with a nasty flight attendant, but luckily didn't have an allergic reaction to being sprayed, and she had the aplomb to walk away rather than let things spiral out of control.

It was fine to calmly let the flight attendants know she had heard their immature and unprofessional conversation, according to Post. However, she probably shouldn't have said she was going to alert management, Post suggests. The flight attendants were clearly out of line, and confronting them with their bad behavior wasn't likely to get positive results.

"On an airplane you are stuck," says Post. "Complain to management later, but don't threaten with it."

I sent the traveler's complaint to Southwest for review. While it's true that there's no specific formula for an airline to compensate an insulted passenger for rudeness, a gesture of goodwill seemed appropriate.

Southwest's customer-service department called Megan S. to apologize for the on-board conflict and to hash out a resolution. Southwest agreed to give the traveler and her fiance each $200 vouchers. Their original tickets were worth $175. As is so often the case with complaints, the personal phone call and apology made all the difference for this passenger.

"We understand that this compensation does not take away what she experienced on our aircraft and that this kind of behavior from an employee is unacceptable, and for that, we give our sincere apology," says Agnew.

"We hold our employees to a high standard and expect them to treat their customers like they would their family, says Agnew. "We all know that situations arise that may prevent this from happening, but first and foremost, our employees are there to serve customers, on the ground and in the air."

How can you avoid trouble?

• Stay calm and don't engage. It takes a lot of self control not to respond to boorish behavior, but a response in kind will only escalate things.
• Document the incident. Get the employee's name—reading it from the name tag is better than asking for it in the heat of the moment. You could also ask another flight attendant, though you might want to wait until the end of the flight. If you don't get a name, be sure to gather identifying information so you can provide the airline with a detailed description of the flight attendant.
• Ask witnesses to document the conflict as well. Flight crews may also document any on-board conflicts and disturbances. If their account differs substantially from yours, having impartial witnesses back you up will help.
• Keep your perspective. Once you're off the aircraft and at your destination, you may well realize that complaining about an in-flight spat isn't worth pursuing. Flight attendants have tough jobs and anyone can have an off day. That certainly doesn't give them carte blanche to abuse you, and some episodes, like Megan S.'s, certainly should be reported.

Linda Burbank first began troubleshooting travelers' complaints for the Consumer Reports Travel Letter. She now writes regularly for Consumers Union publications and is a contributing editor for National Geographic Traveler. E-mail her at travel@usatoday.com. Your question may be used in a future column.